dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
