my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
