and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Less talking, more tequila
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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