How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
