More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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