'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
