I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
