i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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