You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
your like the ambassador to my penis.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
