JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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