drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
the condom got lost in my hair
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
