How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
