because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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