That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
