Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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