my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
