Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
wow bdsm is so cute
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
