her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
