I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize