Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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