got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Randomize
