i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
