Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
