Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
My liver just had a heart attack.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
