I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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