My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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