Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
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