I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
