man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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