I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
