All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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