i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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