I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
