Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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