I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
