The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
