WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
