yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
