how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
