I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
