I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
