I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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