I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
