OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
