seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
And then he peed in my hair
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