I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
