Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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