I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize