You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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