T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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