There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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