this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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