I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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