I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
