I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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