I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
