before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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